Recentis's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

hey jess, dont call or anything tommorow. my parents will be home. i'll write more later.

earlier post:
your beautiful when your crying, even when you claim you're dying. i cant help but laugh at you, and all of this is just the truth. i'm not saying i'm giving in, and saying sorry for everything that has ever been, i cant really apologize, but atleast i'm coming out from under this guise. i was wrong though, in everythign that i said so,

writers block.

i was talking to jess and she told me a reason as to why i am never going to get married. i dont want to find that person. i want to fuck it up. and i was thinking, reliving, more like, my patterns and the way i do things. i do fuck up things on purpose. i really do. i get so scared that i might find the right person and i fuck it up on purpose. and when someone likes me i automatically get all weirded out and stop liking them and walk away. or do/say something to the point of where they get pissed and walk away them selves. i make life like that on purpose. i sabotage my self. maybe thats another reason as to why my number of friends is so low. 1. lol. not even that, the people that i talk to are really few aswell. i can think of let me see.... 4 maybe 5 people. lol and i dont even talk to them. i make aquantancies really easily, i dont make friends. i'm not here to be open to everyone. no. and thats really bad. i just noticed that. i like solitude but in that i force all potential "friends" out. they can never really become apart of my inner circle. if anyone has, thats a great acomplishment within its self. hah. sad, isnt it? even the people who are in the inner circle, i constantly test/sabotage that friendship so that they can no longer be a part of it. unless i keep a great distance and they're just a temp part. or a part that stays but never really gets to the inside. i feel bad, but then again i cant change it, thats just me. i guess somehow, i figure, if you want to be my friend, or anything, you'll stick it out and be able to withstand all of the shit i can throw. thats not fair to the other person either though. its a pattern i see within my self but only after i have taken action and done damage. what can i do? tell the person? no. they wouldnt understand and plus it's subtle shit that they prob didnt notice was the cause for them to get away from me. hrm. i need to stop this. i was thinking. david's in the inner circle, but only because we never hang out. no i cant say that. but he's there cause its a mutual love. its a brother sister situation. and i go long periods with out talking to him but whenever we do talk, its like nothing happened, and its all catch up. we know anothers secrets, but would never divulge any of it. its trust that developed mutually. interesting. jess, it took what, two years for her to really really be a part of me. she will never leave the inner circle, she bascially is the inner circle. well, the true one at least. david doesnt know alot, but thats more of a social friendship. no, i help him, and he helps me, but i dont know. but jess, shes just, i dont know you know. just jess dude. shes made it through all of the shit, and persevered. and plus it doesnt hurt that she's my foil. lol. other people, they come and go because i like them. i have a crush on them, or something, and i pay emmense attention to them for a while, then i get tired, and i drop them. they are no longer part of the circle. not that they were really part of it to begin with. theres this one kid though, he got really close and it freaked the shit out of me. i think now though, its ending. its taking its last stage of death, and he's bothered with me. thats fine. i fucked it up. there was potential but then again, i tend to screw those things up and only realize i did after the damage is done. he won't be back, not because i wont let him, but because he wont want to. man, i really screwed up a nice one though, he made me laugh. ah. sad. oh well, what is there to do? hrm... he was out of my league anyways. but i'm more me now. more secure than ever before. i've grown alot and know more now as to who i am and what i want. this little realiztion is somehting that i have always known yet, never really faced head on. i know its there. i've always known. but thats cool cause, thats me. its what i do. i want to say that i'm not going to change but i will. i have to. i wont change immensly, yet, subtly i will. eh. its something at least. coming year, i'll try not to sabotage a good thing. the last i'm suprised took me this long to sabotage. lol. that was a while. lol. the next one, i wont let it happen. or i cant guarantee that but, i'll try not to fuck it up. you know why i do that? its a self confidence complex. i have none, so i shouldnt have anything. i really hate my self in alot of aspects and i dont believe that anything good should ever happen to me so if anything remotly cool comes along, i'll fuck it up subconsiously. shit. i knew that. eh...

no time now, but i'll write more later.