I forgot my necklace today. that was bothersome. hrm. today was boring like hell but interesting enough if that makes anysense. half of it was a cruel replay of being in the car, the other half was not interesting but i noted a number of things. I went to some tutoring thing today for um, what do you call it, oh extra credit (i have to make an A in math) and half the time was actually kind of helping these kids (mexicans) on their math then they left and i had an hour to sit around and joke with jason and joey. both really cool kids. joey is no doubt cool, hes a red head, funny like shit, and intelligent. that kid'll do well when he grows up. jason, an interesting little dude, who i know isnt little at all. this good looking jewish sophmore whos really smart but slacks like noneother. of course my type of person. no hes funny.

hrm, odd. sorry for the abrupt change in subject but my brother came in and we had a tickle fight following a nice quaint conversation. how i do love my brother. but then my mother called and we got up and followed her voice. she then proceceded to ask him a number of questions as to what he would care to eat for dinner. Unable to really comprehend her questions and slightly unwilling he just mimicked her. not the wisest of choices. she got him a glass of water when suddenly he fell on to the ground and she of course got "POed" she then yelled to her hearts content at him while i protested, it was an honest accident. she sent me to pick the clothes up and leave him be, apparently he's too rowdy at the moment....

odd. she hasnt been like this in a while. i mean, shes been nice for the past two weeks and then its like shes regressing back to the same old mom. the one who yells, is impatient, and hates us. damn, and i was so begining to enjoy her company. things happen. i wont change them...

anyways back to my first story. where was i? oh yeah, jason, no an interesting character. hes cool. smart, good looking, dorky, and probably unaware. eh. another person to possibly chill with over the summer. but the conversation is interesting...

i was thinking and i found why i dont like alot of people. i cant keep a conversation going thats worth anything. i mean, if i have to keep dropping subjects all of the time to keep things going interesting then i of course am not going to like them. i like for someone else to instigate the conversation. i dont like instigating it though of course i will if a long enough pause in conversation occurs. but, today, talking with jason and joey they mostly kept the conversation going and it was quite refreshing. i really do enjoy those kind of people, you dont have to give them something to talk about, they come up with it on their own. thats why i can talk to jamie and whit during second period. they keep conversation going. thats why i like strong so much, he keeps the conversation going, for the most part. the people i deem interesting keep conversation going. I try to talk to other people but i cant seem to make the same conection where they will feel comfertable enough to keep the chitter chatter up. i dont know. its just something that i happened to come by.

i was talking to strong (hah) and we happened to pass the subject about me being scary. now i refuse to think that i really am that truly scary. yes, i have my off points but oh well. then we began to note some reasons as to why i would be scary. ok he has a point. we were talking before and his teacher was walking by and she had a limp, well i had the sudden urge to take a chain saw, that exact moment, and cut her legs out from under her. just because it would interesting and funny to watch. unfortuantly i thought it would be ok to say that around strong because well it seemed he could put up with my quirky antics. how suprised he was. hrm. ok one reason as to why i would be scary. yeah, that stuff goes through my head all the time, like i was on the bus and the kids on the bus were yelling at a girl jogging by, and i imagined in my head, that the girl jogging suddenly pulled out a small handgun and shot one of those stupid kids in the head, i imagined the blood spatter, the screams, and all. I smiled. but those kind of things i dont say out loud. i keep those thoughts in my head. i really dont like to vocalize them because most people really dont know me and they might not be to appreciative of my thoughts. the only people i voice those kinds of things around are like, my third period (but only a mild form) and strong, maybe ju once in a while. and of course jessica. she is the only person on earth who wouldnt be weirded out by me at all, and would even expect them. the only time shes weired out by me is when i say really stupid kiddy things like, "lets hold hands" some stupid shit but she still anticipates them. man.... but strong cant see how i am inside, no one can. i dont know. today at tutoring i sat in the back during lunch, all by my self, and read my time magazine (an article about the Mob, my heros) and i was completly content. maybe thats the way its suppose to be, i'm suppose to be alone. haha. i didnt even have to get up to get my food, this girl and her friends sat next to me and i ignored them but she was my aquantanice and she brought me food. Hah. nice. I love that. minimal amount of work for me. and then she left and i was relieved. haha. i like being by my self. the only thing i regreted was that jason left, it would have been more interesting if he stayed. i dont know. should i be alone for the rest of my life where no one will understand me , no one will be able to tolorate my antics. i dont know. i dont want it to be like that but what can i do. when i think someone kind of gets it, they call me scary. he may think its cool, but i dont know if i can releash the rest of my mind around him. what would he do then?

i dont know...

of course i must add this small blurb before i explode. the interesting escalates. i need him out of my head. but he sticks. hah. i am the dumbest person on earth. i need to look into other exploits but this one sticks, and i find my self .... i dont know.


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