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her
Wednesday. 4.14.04 9:06 pm
Something is wrong. Or all to right. I dont know. This depression that sits in me. That lives in me. That thrives on me, is sick. but of course, exists... I sigh.

I miss her. I miss her so much. i really and truly miss her. Life is duller. Life is sadder. Life is now darker. it took a long time for me to get over the shock. for me to really feel this. wow. i really am good at this whole hiding my feelings. i dont know. i look at the streets, the cars, and i wish to see her drive by. just to see her. i saw her once. i dont know. the mum was in the car. and goodness. i dont know. but what i do know is that i miss her, and i keep trying to replace her, but i cant. thats why i feel like this. thats why...

he told me i had changed. changed ever since they put me in a skirt but he doesnt understand. he cant. i cant explain it to him. i could only to her. I didnt change, i just hid my self to make those people happy. I told that girl "cute" b/c she changed to make them happy too. She needs a "self esteem" boost. i thought i'd give it. And hanging with them, its nice to not think. to just sit and listen. its nice to ignore my self. so i hide my self, make them happy, and get lost within the chatter. i'm tired of my self. I'm tired of my damn conscionce. im tired of my thoughts killing me everyother second. but then again, i tire of them now. i tire of it all. i just miss her. and this is how i forget her. i replace her. i cant. i know. i have to do something. SOMETHING. not just nothing.

she balanced me. she was my balance. i feel like half of me is gone. i feel like. i feel lost. i cant release anything. i miss her. its like half of me is gone. its like my reassurance that life is ok, is gone. there is no one. shes gone. she is gone. i cant do anything. but i miss her. i miss her so much. she was part of me. and up untill now i was able to hide it. to not let it affect me. but as time passes i realize how much she was. not realize, but allow my self to see. I knew it. deep down inside. oh yeah, i knew it. but refused to admit it. but i miss her. and there is nothing i can do, there are things holding me back, and i cant. i cant approach her. i cant... i feel half empty. i feel like there is nothing i can do right. there is nothing i can do. i need her. i need someone to tell me i'm being stupid and need to stop. i need her to tell me things. i need to tell her things. i need to tell her i love her. now it hits me. what am i going to do? what am i going to do? i go through life now, and all there is, is scorn. no one understands. no one can comprehend. no one gets it. and no one cares. you smile, you fake it all, but inside, you dont mean shit. but iwth her, she understood, she got it. she cared. i'm falling apart here. what am i going to do. what the hell am i going to do? what is there to do?

i dont know what to do. i dont have anyone to ask. i need her love so much. i need her. i need to scream. i need to yell. i need to get in her car and scream my head off.

but i cant.

she really is gone... isnt she.

i need to tell her. i need to tell her everything. about him, about my mum, about people about everything. im keeping it in. and i cant do it. she listened. she was my other half. she was part of me. and now. it hits me.

shes really gone. gone.

i miss sitting in the car, in silence. i miss the understanding. i miss the bond. i miss the friendship. i miss the stupidity. i miss the imaturity. i miss her wisdom. i miss her.

thats whats wrong with me. that is what plauges me. but i will do nothing. for there is nothing to do. NOTHING. i'm stuck. here. stuck...
1 Comments.

I miss you t oo
You still have my love and I'm not gone. Whatever is holding you back..when it stops holding you back, I'll be waiting. Just know that. We can play catch up then. But know this, if there is ANYTHING you need, all you have to do is call me up..at ANY time, and I'll be there for you. You're still my equivalent of a best friend and no one will ever replace you. If it makes you feel any better, you plague my thoughts constantly as well. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I'm always thinking about you. I guess in a way, you are always with me. And when I think about you, I don't feel so alone because I always hope that one day I'll be able to tell you everything again. I saw you too. I miss you. Listen to you heart.
» DarknessPrevails on 2004-04-15 03:00:04

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